


Little White Lies

by Im_trash_bye



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Slow Burn, just lots of emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-09-02 06:12:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16781239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_trash_bye/pseuds/Im_trash_bye
Summary: TJ has a habit of telling little white lies about his life. They're never big, just a 'nothing happened' here, a 'no, of course not' there. He knows the truth must be revealed eventually. He just doesn't expect it to happen all at once. But when he and Cyrus get paired up for an assignment in health class, the truth finds its way out.





	1. Chapter 1

TJ woke to his little sister shaking his arm. Opening his eyes, he glanced at the clock on his desk. 1:03 am, it read, taunting him with its jarringly bright red numbers. The night was dark and cold as he pulled his heavy, warm blanket closer around him, finding himself face to face with Molly's bright blue eyes.  
  
"Molly?" he asked, sitting up in bed. "What's wrong?"  
  
"I had an accident," Molly whimpered. Her eyes were watery as she spoke, like frigid oceans, complete with salty waves of tears brimming at her eyelids.  
  
"Oh," TJ sighed. He sat up, swinging his feet over the side of his bed and wincing as they touched the cold wood floor. "What about Amber?"  
  
"She's getting rid of my sheets. She told me to come ask you for extras." TJ nodded groggily, rubbing his eyes and padding across his small room as quietly as possible. Something in him vaguely registered that the old habit was long since obsolete, and he reminded himself that their dad was long since gone, but he tiptoed regardless. He shivered as he pulled out all the extra bedding in his closet. Clearly, his dad had gotten tired of paying their heating bill again. No, he was just cold. Dad wasn't around anymore, he reminded himself. They'd moved months ago.  
  
"Here you go, kiddo," he said, handing Molly most of the extra blankets and sheets, save for the extra comforter he threw on his bed. "Give those to Amber, okay?"  
  
Molly nodded and quietly padded out of the room, swaying under the weight of the bedding clutched in her arms.  
  
Sighing, TJ lay back down in bed, resting on his back with his eyes trained on the ceiling above. However, he was now coherently aware of the cold seeping under his blankets, and could seldom find it within himself to take even a deep breath, let alone to fall asleep.  
  
TJ spent the rest of the night similarly, tossing and turning in a vain (and in the end fruitless) attempt to stay warm. His alarm went off at exactly 6:30, and TJ didn't so much as flinch. Instead, he blinked. Once. Twice. Three times.  
  
"Yeah, okay," he sighed, sitting up in bed. His eyelids were heavy, his ears red with cold, and his room was flooded with nearly Stygian darkness as he stood up.  
  
He padded silently into Amber and Molly's room, flicking the lights on to wake them. Molly woke immediately, whereas Amber simply rolled over, throwing a pillow in TJ's general direction before rolling back over.  
  
"Go get breakfast, Molls. I'll wake Amber up," TJ whispered to Molly. She nodded, making her way out of their room and leaving TJ to deal with Amber.  
  
"I hate you," Amber mumbled.  
  
"We have to be at school in two hours," TJ reminded her, raising an eyebrow pointedly.  
  
"Fuck, you're right."  
  
"I thought so," TJ teased, walking back out the door and closing it behind him.  
  
"I still hate you!" Amber called after him.  
  
"You always will," TJ assured her with a chuckle, before turning down the hall. He found Molly on her toes, straining to reach for a box of cereal someone had accidentally put on a higher shelf than normal. Smiling, he pulled the box down, handing it to her. Molly grinned, clumsily pouring it into a bowl.  
  
"Hey, kiddos." Their mom said, having just stepped into the kitchen. She kissed Molly's head and ruffled TJ's hair fondly. "Where's that sister of yours?"  
  
"Getting ready," TJ laughed.  
  
"I should have known," Jennifer responded, nodding. "Molls, you almost ready to go?"  
  
"Mhm," Molly mumbled through a mouthful of cereal. She quickly downed the rest of it, before rushing off to get dressed for school.  
  
She came back after a few moments, dressed slightly haphazardly but dressed nonetheless.  
  
"Ready Freddy?" Jennifer asked. Molly nodded with a smile, picking up her pink backpack from the couch. "Alright, TJ, I have parent-teacher conferences after school today, and I have to grade students' tests in between. Can you two pick Molly up after school? Get her a snack, get her to bed, make sure she stays alive, you know the drill."  
  
"Yeah, of course. I take it you won't be home before you have to get to Sam's?"  
  
"Sorry kiddo," Jennifer said, nodding. "Unfortunately, customers at 24-hour diners wait for no man... or woman. Fridays are always the worst."  
  
"It's fine," TJ chuckled. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, or tonight if I'm up late enough."  
  
"Perfect," Jennifer said, kissing the top of TJ's head. "Tell Amber I said goodbye, will you?"  
  
"I always do.

* * *

TJ sat down in his usual place next to Cyrus just as the bell rang, signaling the beginning of health class.  
  
"Just in time," he sighed, slouching against their table as he plopped his books on it. "Locker got stuck."  
  
"Ugh, I hate that," Cyrus sighed sympathetically.  
  
"Alright class, may I have your attention please?" Mrs. Bailey asked, clasping her hands together. "Now, I know you've all heard me mention your big end of tri project, and the time has finally come to execute it." A chorus of groans spread through the class. "Now, don't get too excited, I haven't even told you what you're doing."  
  
"Please tell me we're not protecting an egg, doll, or bag of flour," someone groaned.  
  
"No, nothing like that, Adam," Mrs. Bailey assured, waving a hand dismissively. "You are going to pair up, and until the end of the trimester, one of you will learn everything about theother. At the end of the trimester, you will turn in a paper on your partner and their life. Questions?"  
  
"What does this have to do with health?" a student asked.  
  
"This is the social part of social health," Mrs. Bailey chuckled.  
  
"Are we supposed to be, like, stalking our partner?" Ella McMasters asked from the back of the room.  
  
"Part of me wants to say yes, just to see how far you'll take this. However, I'm pretty sure I'm not legally allowed to condone stalking, so no. You will ask each other questions, like normal, non-sociopathic teenagers."  
  
"Wait, so one person just has to answer questions about themself?"  
  
"I think you'll find that it's quite a feat in itself to be completely vulnerable with someone."  
  
"Um, who are our partners?" Cyrus asked.  
  
"Oh! Right, here we go." Mrs. Bailey picked up a basket from her desk, handing it to the people at the table closest to her. "Draw a number, and find the other person who has it."  
  
The basket quickly found its way to Cyrus and TJ's table, and they both grabbed a piece of folded paper, passing the basket on to the next table.  
  
"What'd you get?" TJ asked, unfolding his paper and turning to Cyrus.  
  
"Eight," Cyrus said, holding his paper up to TJ.  
  
"No way!" TJ flipped his paper, revealing an eight scrawled on it.  
  
"Oh thank God, that is gonna make this whole process a lot easier."  
  
"We should start after school. Your house?"  
  
"Oh, I would, but the neighbor's house is under construction- it's terrible," Cyrus groaned.  
  
"That's fine, library?"  
  
"Closed this week for remodeling, I tried to study there last week. What about your house?" Cyrus asked.  
  
"O-oh, okay," TJ nodded. "Um, we'll have to walk home with Amber and Molly."  
  
"Molly?"  
  
"My little sister?"  
  
"Wait wh-"  
  
"Alright, that was ample time to find your partner. Now, time for today's reading."

* * *

TJ unlocked his front door, letting Amber, Molly, and Cyrus file past him.  
  
"You've got Molly covered?" TJ asked. Amber nodded, opening the fridge and crouching, pulling Molly in front of her so she could pick a snack. "Come on, Underdog."  
  
"I like your house," Cyrus said, following TJ into his room.  
  
"Oh, yeah. It's kind of small, sorry."  
  
"No, it's fine! Um, so, I guess we should get to work?"  
  
"Yeah," TJ said, gesturing to his bed. "Should I ask questions or should you?"  
  
"If you're okay, I'd rather ask the questions. I'm pretty much an open book," Cyrus shrugged, sitting down and pulling his computer from his bag.  
  
"Okay, um, have at it?"  
  
"Alright... Full name?"  
  
"Ugh, fine. Timothy James Kippen," TJ admitted. Cyrus grinned, typing the name happily.  
  
"Immediate family and names?"  
  
"Um, my mom's name is Jennifer, then there's Amber, of course. And my little sister Molly. Oh, um, my dad is Vincent, but he doesn't live with us."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Cyrus said, clearly unsure how to react as he typed.  
  
"No, it's fine, we're better off without him."  
  
"Ah. Still, I'm sorry. Tell me about your mom."  
  
"Oh, um, she's a 6th-grade teacher at the elementary school, and she's a waitress at Sam's at night. She had Amber and me when she was 16, and then Molly 9 years later."  
  
"Oh, I didn't know your mom got pregnant at 16," Cyrus said, looking up from his notes.  
  
"15, actually. She turned 16 about 7 months into her pregnancy."  
  
"That must have been terrifying," Cyrus said sympathetically.  
  
"It probably was," TJ said, as though the thought had only just dawned on him. "I've never really thought about that."  
  
"Speaking of, what's your greatest fear?"  
  
"...Wow, you really are just going for it, aren't you?"  
  
"I want to do well on this assignment!"  
  
"Fine. I'm most afraid of clowns," he lied, making a fear up on the spot.  
  
"That was a lie," Cyrus said, ceasing typing.  
  
"I-I know," TJ stuttered.  
  
"Why would you lie? This whole assignment is to tell the truth," Cyrus said.  
  
"I know that too," TJ said, crossing his arms over his chest and shifting slightly, his gaze dropping.  
  
"TJ. You don't have to lie to me," Cyrus said gently, lifting TJ's chin to meet his eyes.  
  
"I'm just...used to lying, I guess."  
  
"What a lovely way to burn all your bridges," Cyrus deadpanned. TJ scoffed, shaking his head.  
  
"You don't get it."  
  
"What don't I get?!" Cyrus asked, exasperated.  
  
"Sometimes burning bridges is a defense tactic," TJ defended.  
  
Cyrus stared at him for a moment, before typing the phrase into his notes.  
  
"I'm sorry," TJ said quietly.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For lying."  
  
"It's fine, I get it," Cyrus said, shaking his head.  
  
"No you don't," TJ laughed.  
  
"I really don't," Cyrus agreed.  
  
"I shouldn't have lied, I'm sorry."  
  
"No, it's really fine. It was just a stupid question."  
  
"It wasn't! I just didn't want to answer it."  
  
"You don't have to," Cyrus shrugged.  
  
"I want to, really."  
  
Cyrus looked up at TJ, weighing his options. On the one hand, he could just skip the question. On the other, he could ask it again, and get the truth. Did he really want the truth?  
  
"Alright. TJ, what's your biggest fear?" he asked, taking a deep breath.  
  
Before TJ could respond, Amber rushed into the room, desperately trying to dial a phone number.  
  
"Amber! What's wrong?" TJ asked, rushing to Amber's side. "What are you doing?!"  
  
"Calling 911! I know this is gonna sound crazy, but what the hell is the number for 911?!"  
  
"Amber! What happened?!" TJ asked. Amber looked up at him, panic in her eyes. The second she spoke again, time stopped, stretching like the pale pink taffy pulled in the window of a candy store.  
  
"Molly's hurt."


	2. Chapter 2

"What?!" TJ asked. "What happened?!"  
  
"She fell and hit her head and she's unconscious and she's bleeding from the head and I don't know what to do, God why don't I know what to-"  
  
"Is she breathing?" TJ interrupted.  
  
"Yeah, she is."  
  
"Oh, God. Okay, I'll call 911, you call mom," TJ ordered, lunging for his phone and following Amber into her and Molly's room, where Molly laid unconscious on the ground. Amber immediately sat down next to her, using a blanket nearby to try to stop her from bleeding as she called their mom.  
  
"What can I do?" Cyrus asked frantically, looking between Molly and TJ.  
  
"Just- stay here, okay?" TJ asked, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I need you here."  
  
"You couldn't keep me away if you tried," Cyrus said gently. TJ smiled slightly, finally managing to dial 911 and holding the phone to his ear.  
  
"My little sister fell and hit her head," TJ told the operator who picked up the phone.  
  
"Is she bleeding?"  
  
"Yeah, from the head," TJ responded quickly.  
  
"Is she responsive?"  
  
"No, she's not."  
  
"Is she breathing?"   
  
"Yes, yeah she is," TJ said quickly, pacing back and forth.  
  
"Alright, I need you to stay calm, give us your address and an ambulance will be on its way." As TJ recited their address, Amber groaned, panic rising in her voice as she whispered 'please pick up, please pick up.' She dialed their mom's number again, her fingers shaking so terribly she nearly mistyped.  
  
"She won't pick up!" Amber exclaimed.  
  
"Then call the principal of the elementary school, call the secretary, call a teacher, or a parent for all I care! Just get her on the fucking phone!" TJ yelled.

* * *

"Are you family?" the paramedic asked when TJ, Amber, and Cyrus started to clamber into the ambulance after Molly.  
  
"Yes! Of course we are!" TJ fibbed, taking Cyrus's hand and helping him into the ambulance. They all sat down up front, crammed together so as not to be in the way of the paramedic looking over Molly.  
  
They drove in a panicked silence, TJ still clutching Cyrus's hand like his life (or Molly's) depended on it. Cyrus squeezed his hand gently, a silent reassurance that everything would be okay. TJ looked down at him, his eyes prickling with tears, which he quickly wiped away.  
  
"Hey, it's gonna be okay," Cyrus whispered. TJ nodded, trying to convince himself of the statement's validity, but only managing to will more tears to his eyes. This time Cyrus reached forward, wiping them away with his free hand.  
  
"Is Mom meeting us at the hospital?" TJ asked, turning to Amber, who nodded silently. TJ's chin dropped, staring into his lap. Cyrus rested his head against TJ's shoulder comfortingly, using the hand that wasn't entwined with TJ's to lift his chin.   
  
"Hey, Not-So-Scary Basketball Guy," Cyrus whispered.  
  
"Hey, Underdog." TJ stared at him for a moment, his resolve weakening slowly as tears filled his eyes. He eventually broke entirely, sobbing drily and allowing Cyrus to pull him into a hug.   
  
"I've got you, Teej."

* * *

Their arrival at the hospital was little more than a blur, and before they knew it, they were being ushered into a waiting room and told to try to be patient.  
  
They sat in silence, Amber laying across TJ's lap and TJ resting his head on Cyrus's shoulder. After a few moments, the heavy quiet surrounding them was broken by TJ's phone ringing. All three of them jumped, before TJ was able to shakily pull his phone from his pocket. He answered the call, beyond relieved to hear his mother's voice.  
  
"Where are you?" she asked as soon as TJ picked up, her voice shaky.   
  
"We're in a waiting room, um... somewhere. There's a blueish stripe on the ground?"  
  
"Oh, okay," Jennifer responded. "I think I know where you are."  
  
It was near silent on the line for a moment, then Jennifer appeared around a corner. They both hung up the phone, and TJ and Amber were immediately up to hug her.  
  
"What happened, kiddos?"   
  
"It was awful, mom," Amber sobbed into her chest. "She fell, and she hit her head, and she was bleeding, and we lied to get Cyrus into the ambulance, and then they took her away and we don't know where she is."  
  
"You handled it so well, sweetheart," Jennifer murmured, kissing the tops of their heads.  
  
"We should have been watching her closer," TJ sniffled.  
  
"Hey," Jennifer said, pulling back from the hug and looking her children in the eyes. "This is not your fault. Understand?"  
  
"I guess so," TJ mumbled.  
  
"...Did you say something about sneaking someone into an ambulance?"  
  
"Hey, Ms. Kippen," Cyrus said sheepishly, walking up behind TJ and Amber. He extended a hand, shaking hers. "I'm Cyrus, it's nice to meet you. I wish it were under better circumstances."  
  
"It's great to meet you too. But please, call me Jennifer."  
  
"Oh, okay, I will-"  
  
"Ms. Kippen?" A doctor stepped up behind the group.  
  
"That's me."  
  
"I'm Dr. Carrel. Your daughter seems to be just fine. We gave her some stitches to seal the cut on her head, and we'd like to keep her overnight to make sure she doesn't have any significant head injuries," he explained.  
  
"Oh, okay. Can we see her?"  
  
"Yes, you can. Room 127, down the hall and take a left."  
  
"Thank you, Dr. Carrel," TJ said as they passed him, filing towards Molly's room.

* * *

A nurse brought Molly ice cream and a sandwich before she went to sleep. Jennifer and the twins immediately fell into a deep sleep, clearly exhausted from the rush of the day. Cyrus, however, fell into a sleep much lighter; he always had been a light sleeper.  
  
At exactly 1:06 am, he was woken by a frantic beeping from one of the machines next to Molly's bed. He sat up straight, attempting to yell at TJ, but finding his voice rendered broken and near silent in his state of panic. Instead, he settled for shaking TJ awake violently.  
  
"God, Cyrus, what's wro- Oh my God. Mom!" Amber and Jennifer woke simultaneously, both immediately yelling for a doctor.  
  
If their arrival at the hospital was a blur, Cyrus didn't have words for the intensity of the next three minutes. Before he knew what was happening, he, TJ and Amber were sitting in the hallway outside Molly's room. They were replaced by a team of doctors and nurses, all rushing into the room. They sat down against the wall, knees pulled to their chests.  
  
"Do you think she's gonna be okay?" Amber asked quietly, thus breaking their silence.  
  
"I don't know," TJ responded.  
  
"Hey, Cyrus?" Amber asked.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Thank you for being here."  
  
"Always," Cyrus assured her. "It's a Friday, anyway."  
  
"God, what are you gonna write about for that health class assignment?" TJ asked.  
  
"I have no idea," Cyrus said. "Good thing I have the rest of the tri to-" He was cut off by the door to Molly's room opening and closing. Jennifer stepped out, her eyes streaked with tears.  
  
"...Mom?" Amber asked quietly, clambering to her feet.  
  
"She's gone," Jennifer sobbed, pulling Amber into a hug. "The-the doctor said something about a sudden aneurysm, a-and she's gone."  
  
Cyrus's eyes widened, stinging with tears as TJ collapsed into his side, unable to hold himself up. He numbly wrapped his arms around TJ, watching Amber and Ms. Kippen sit down, still hugging.   
  
"I-I've got you, Teej."


	3. Chapter 3

When they got home from the hospital, Amber instinctively trudged into her and Molly's room. Upon glancing up from the floor, she gasped, startled at the sight of their room.  
  
Molly's bed was unmade, her toys strewn about the floor. For a split second, it was like Molly was still there, about to run through the doorway. Amber could hear Molly's footsteps, see her bright blue eyes, could feel the stickiness of her hands when she held Amber's hand while they crossed the street. Then the truth washed back over her, a tidal wave of emotions rushing over her.  
  
Amber stumbled backward slightly, fresh tears flooding down her cheeks as she closed the door behind her. She knocked stutteringly on TJ's door, which swung open to reveal her twin brother sitting silently on his bed, earbuds in his ears. He scrambled to take them out when Amber sat down at the end of his bed, letting them fall to the bed.  
  
"Can I...stay in here? I don't want to be in there." TJ nodded without a word, moving to the side so Amber could sit next to him. "You're not crying," she noted, glancing at TJ.  
  
"I know," TJ whispered.  
  
"You aren't crying because Cyrus went home," she continued, connecting dots in her head. "You don't feel safe enough to cry when Cyrus isn't around."  
  
"What?! No!"  
  
"Then why?"  
  
"I'm just- not a crier," TJ said. And just like that, it was settled. Though, and TJ would never admit it out loud, they both knew that wasn't the whole story.  
  
They fell asleep soon after, the world heavy and the only sound in the room coming from TJ's earbuds. In the silence of the room, one could hear the quiet melody of Andrew Belle's In My Veins without effort. Somehow, its gentle sadness, the bittersweet picture it painted of grief, was the one thing in the world that felt right.

* * *

When Amber and TJ woke about four hours later, near 8 am, the world felt all too perfect. Sunlight filtered through the curtains, the blankets were warm, the mattress soft and the air cool. Everything felt like a mockery of their pain, a cruel joke designed to salt their open wounds.  
  
TJ groaned as he sat up, his head pounding and the corners of his eyes stinging from his sobbing at the hospital. Amber was in a similar condition, having woken up with tears pooling at the corners of her eyes.  
  
"You okay?" TJ asked gently, setting a hand on her shoulder. She nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes.  
  
"Bad dream," she mumbled, looking around. TJ nodded in understanding, resting his head on her shoulder. "God, what time is it?"  
  
"I don't know," TJ responded, reluctantly getting out of bed and walking quietly across the room. "Be right back."  
  
He walked down the hall and into the kitchen, where his mom sat at the kitchen table. She was poring over a piece of paper repeatedly, her left hand holding her forehead as she read. Tears fell to the paper in a steady rhythm, like the ticking of a metronome.   
  
"Mom?" TJ asked, slowly making his way across the room and sitting down across from her. "What are you reading?"  
  
"Hospital bill," Jennifer responded drily, wiping her eyes. TJ's eyes caught the number near the bottom of the page, and he inhaled a sharp breath.  
  
"Don't we have insurance for this type of thing?" Jennifer nodded sadly, looking up at his son.  
  
"This is after insurance," she explained.  
  
"Oh," TJ whispered. "We- we can't afford that."  
  
"It'll be just fine, kiddo," Jennifer assured her son, taking his hand across the table.  
  
"Mom, are you sure-"  
  
"I'll figure it out, Teej. I promise."  
  
"Mom. Amber and I are picking up extra shifts. We're helping to pay for this." TJ's eyes were stern, thus settling it. Jennifer screwed her eyes shut, clearly swallowing her pride, before nodding.  
  
"Thank you," she whispered. Her voice was frail and broken as she spoke, so quiet TJ worried a passing wind would tear it away from her.  
  
"Always, mom."

* * *

On Wednesday afternoon, as TJ sat in bed, memories of his little sister racing through his head, a gentle knock sounded on his bedroom door.  
  
"Come in," he said, his voice hoarse in light of its lack of use.  
  
"...Hey," Cyrus said quietly, stepping into TJ's room. "I brought your work from school. How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm...Alright. Stressed, but I think I'll be okay."  
  
"TJ," Cyrus said, sitting down next to TJ and handing him the stack of homework he'd brought, as well as his own personal notes from every course they both took. "You're allowed to not be okay, you know. It hasn't even been a week."  
  
"I'm fine, really," TJ insisted. "I'm just a little stressed. I have a lot of work to do."  
  
"Like what?" Cyrus asked gently,  
  
"I have to finish planning her... her funeral," he whispered. "And I didn't approve of her obituary for the paper, so I have to rewrite it. I have to see if I can swing more shifts at the gym- oh and I have to get an application to the public library. I have to finish all this homework, and write my book report on The Grapes of Wrath- very good book, by the way."  
  
"And your mom isn't doing any of this? Or Amber?"  
  
"They both have their own share of the work. Mom's wrestling with all the financial stuff, and Amber is working a ton of shifts, but she's not doing great, so she spends a lot of time with Andi."   
  
"Oh," Cyrus whispered. "Can I help?"   
  
"With what?"  
  
"I don't know, I could help with the funeral, and I can get you that application?" Cyrus offered. TJ sighed, nodding.  
  
"I- that would help a lot," he said quietly. Cyrus nodded, leaning forward to hug TJ.   
  
"Thank you," he whispered into TJ's shoulder.  
  
"For what?" TJ asked, pulling away from Cyrus. Cyrus cocked his head, his eyes soft as he took TJ's hand.  
  
"For letting me help you." TJ nodded, screwing his eyes closed to stop from crying.  
  
"Thank you for offering."   
  
"Hey, you're allowed to cry, Teej," Cyrus said. TJ shook his head, looking up at the ceiling.  
  
"I don't want to," he whispered.   
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Don't you get it, Cy? If I cry, then all this really happened. Then I can't say it's all just a dream," TJ whispered, his eyes flitting away from Cyrus's.  
  
"It'll happen, Teej. Probably when you least expect it." TJ was silent for a long moment, before nodding in reluctant agreement.   
  
"...How are you doing on that health assignment?"  
  
"What?" Cyrus asked, taken aback by the sudden change of subject.  
  
"I mean... We haven't been able to work on it very much lately. How's it coming along?"  
  
"Oh, I have a surprising amount of notes done," Cyrus said slowly, thinking to the pages of unanswered questions saved on his computer.   
  
However, there were also thousands of answers to questions he'd never known he'd asked. He had a feeling this assignment was going to either tear them apart or throw them together, and he wasn't sure which he feared more.


	4. Chapter 4

TJ stared at the ceiling above him, eyes heavy with exhaustion, head spinning with memories. He'd long since abandoned all hope of falling asleep. The suit he'd set aside for the funeral was hanging on his closet door, patiently awaiting the moment he put it on the next morning. Or was it this morning? A glance at the clock confirmed that it was 1:03 in the morning and TJ would be getting ready in ten hours.  
  
TJ recalled the cold morning, eight days ago to the minute, when he'd woken to his little sister shaking him awake. Molly's footsteps against the creaking wood of their house had never woken TJ, but her small hands tugging his arm had never failed.  
  
If he could have only known that 24 hours and three minutes later, she'd be gone. He would have hugged her goodbye before school. He would have gotten the chance to say goodbye.   
  
TJ couldn't imagine a time when he'd be used to making it through a night without waking up to Molly pulling on his arm. Or not walking her home from school when his mom stayed late at the elementary school. Or making it through a Saturday without Molly begging him to take her to the kids' gym.  
  
He couldn't help but recall the day he got the job there; Molly's excited squeals as she realized she could spend more time there on the weekends, her insistence on coming with him to his first shift.  
  
Somehow, Molly's voice rang through his head like a broken record player designed specifically to make him cry, the last words she ever spoke to him looping through his head. 'Don't let the bed bugs bite.' A sentiment mumbled as she drifted into sleep, then an endearing habit, now a painful reminder of what had been lost.  
  
Molly was six years, nine months, and fourteen days old when she died, TJ realized. To her, the scariest things in the world were still bed bugs and the bitter, sticky aftertaste of cough syrup. Her favorite people in the world were still TJ, Amber, Mom, and the girl who sat behind her during storytime, who taught her how to remember the months. The most money she'd ever had was a five dollar bill that Amber had pressed into her hand at a baseball game, with which she proudly bought a hot dog at the concession stand. Her favorite food in the world was string cheese, and the tallest person on Earth was Mr. Lorren, the fourth-grade teacher down the hall from Mrs. Morris's kindergarten classroom. She'd never told Charlie Manning, the boy who'd let her borrow his crayon one day, that she liked him.  
  
And now, she never would.

* * *

TJ pulled the zipper on the back of Amber's dress up, stepping around her to stand beside her. She turned to fix his tie, adjusting it and stepping back to look him up and down.   
  
"No," she grumbled, pulling the tie off him. She quickly pulled the suit jacket off of him, mumbling something about it being too 'prom' for a funeral. "Why is your shirt so white?"  
  
"What- Amber?" Amber shook her head, pulling a dark gray dress shirt from TJ's closet and handing it to him. TJ took it, swapping it for the white one he was wearing. Stepping back, she furiously shook her head, picking the suit jacket back up but leaving the tie on his bed.   
  
"Here. Wear."   
  
"Right, no time for full sentences," TJ said, pulling the jacket back on.  
  
"Sorry, I'm just stressed," Amber said quietly.   
  
"Amber." TJ put his hands on her shoulders, before pulling her into a hug. "It's going to be okay," he whispered into her shoulder. "I'll be right there the whole time."  
  
"Okay," Amber said, nodding unconvincingly. "Okay." This time, she sounded more concrete. She lifted her chin, carefully wiping her eyes and leading TJ out of his room.   
  
They filed into the kitchen, where Jennifer was standing, her hands trembling slightly as she took a sip of her coffee.  
  
"Ready to go?"  
  
"Yeah," Amber said, squeezing TJ's hand much harder than was logically necessary. Jennifer nodded silently, picking up her keys and leading them out of the house.  
  
"Take a deep breath," TJ whispered as he and Amber followed her. They both opted to sit in the back seat, neither having the energy to fight over the front seat.  
  
The car ride felt longer than it was, the buildings outside melting into one another as they drove. The paper in the pocket of TJ's suit jacket, upon which he'd written his eulogy for Molly, felt heavy as it rustled when he moved to get out of the car. Amber had declined to give a eulogy when she and TJ were asked, so TJ took the responsibility. Now though, he realized why Amber had forgone the eulogy.  
  
As he approached the hall of the cemetery, both Amber and his mother on his left, he realized that he was going to stand in front of a group of people, Cyrus, Andi, Buffy, and Jonah included, and give a speech about who Molly was and how much she'd be missed.  
  
"Hey," Amber whispered. "Now it's your turn to take a deep breath."

* * *

TJ walked shakily up to the front of the hall, setting the sheet of notebook paper in his hand onto the podium. He looked up at the small crowd, all watching him intently, some crying. He took a final deep breath and a glance to Amber, who nodded silently.  
  
'Deep breath,' she mouthed. TJ nodded, following her lead before addressing the group.  
  
"Friends, family, thank you for coming," he started, his voice shaky. "It means so much to us that you're all here. Um, in writing this...eulogy, I found it to be a near impossible feat. Molly Eleanor Kippen was someone you could not simply describe in words, and I'm sure that all who knew her would be unable to contest such a statement. Amber and I were beyond lucky to have her for a sister.  
  
"Molly was perfect, in most senses of the word, save for her inability to exhibit a bad trait- a purely inhumane facet of her personality that many have marveled at. Molly was unfailingly kind, loving, and warm-hearted, and my life and the lives those around us were without a doubt bettered infinitely for having her in them."   
  
The rest of TJ's eulogy passed without him truly understanding the words tumbling out of his mouth. When he finished, he reached up to wipe away tears that he found weren't there, then took his seat next to Amber.

* * *

At the end of the funeral, TJ, Amber, and Jennifer stood at the front of the room as their friends and extended family filed up to them, all offering various sentiments of sympathy.   
  
"Hey Kippen," Buffy said, having reached the front of the line. "I'm so sorry- really."  
  
"Thanks, Buffy. Means a lot."  
  
"That was a beautiful eulogy," Buffy said after a moment.  
  
"I honestly have no idea what I said or did up there. How'd I do? How was the tear-to-word ratio?"  
  
"You did great," Buffy chuckled. "And it was very low, you didn't shed a tear the whole time."  
  
"Good to know. Thanks for coming."  
  
"Of course," Buffy said, hugging Amber before stepping out of the line to meet back with her mom.  
  
The last pair in line was Andi and Cyrus, who both immediately stepped forward to hug their own respective twin. Jennifer stepped away, rubbing Amber on the back one last time before moving to speak to someone about Molly's burial. Andi let Amber cry into her shoulder, mumbling her sympathy, while Cyrus simply hugged TJ. The silence wrapped around their hug, a comforting shell of quiet that held them warmly as the boys stood with their arms wrapped around one another.  
  
"How are you?" Cyrus whispered after a few moments, pulling away so he could meet TJ's eyes.  
  
"I- I don't know," TJ admitted. "I didn't cry up there. I was so sure I'd cry, but I still haven't. I feel so terrible."  
  
"Hey," Cyrus said gently, setting a hand on TJ's forearm. "You're allowed to not cry."  
  
"I know," TJ mumbled, nodding. "Thank you for being here."  
  
"I'll always be here for you, okay? No matter what." He held his pinky finger out to TJ, who linked his into it immediately.  
  
"You promise?" he asked, his voice quiet as he looked up from their pinky promise to Cyrus's eyes. He nodded, his brown eyes warm as he looked up at TJ.  
  
"I promise, TJ. Always."


	5. Chapter 5

TJ recognized his state from 24 hours ago - laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. The world felt wrong as he lay there, a book with a chapter torn out. Or rather, a book in which every instance of a single word has been covered in dark black ink.  
  
He sat up with a heavy sigh, the blankets previously laying stiffly over his chest falling into his lap as he moved. He pushed the comforter from his body, vaguely remarking in his head about its inability to live up to its name. His shoes were heavy as he put them on, weighted with his own emotions as he tied the laced into an all too cheerful bow.  
  
TJ grabbed his house keys from his desk as he left. The warm early September air met him when he stepped outside, standing just as still as the rest of the world.  
  
Not a single light shone through the windows lining the street as he walked, and the wind had ceased, leaving the night silent. He turned a corner to find himself standing in front of Cyrus Goodman's house, looming yet somehow softened as it had always been.  
  
He circled to the left side of the house, looking up to find Cyrus's window, indicated by the gentle lighting of fairy lights shining through. A large tree stood proudly outside his window, and TJ found that he could reach the lowest sturdy branch with an ambitious jump.  
  
"Good God, Cyrus. You are a lot of work," he mumbled, heaving himself onto the branch.  
  
He scrambled up the tree, quickly finding himself sitting on the limb directly outside Cyrus's window. One hand tightly holding to the branch above him, he leaned forward to knock against the window. After a long few moments, Cyrus slid the window open, eyes glazed with exhaustion.  
  
"TJ?"  
  
"Hey," TJ responded sheepishly. "Wanna go for a walk?"  
  
"At one thirty in the morning?"  
  
"Well I certainly hope you didn't have prior plans," TJ remarked, holding a hand out for Cyrus. He laughed, shaking his head as he reached for his shoes.  
  
"You're insane," Cyrus mumbled as he took TJ's hand, grabbing his house keys on the way out the window.  
  
"Glad to be of service, Underdog."  
  
"You're a bad influence on me, aren't you, Kippen?" Cyrus grumbled. He stepped out of the window, sliding it shut behind him and letting TJ help him onto the tree. TJ smiled, climbing down a few branches. He winked up at Cyrus through the dark night before jumping from the tree, landing gracefully on his feet and looking up at him.  
  
"Only if you want me to be, Goodman."

* * *

Cyrus and TJ walked alongside one another, their synchronized footfall against the pavement flooding through the silent night. Neither had a clue of their final destination, but that had never really mattered to either of them. They could walk for miles, or find themselves where they were going in a matter of minutes. All that mattered was that they were walking away from the rest of the world.  
  
"How've you been?" Cyrus asked quietly, looking up at TJ. He shrugged, looking down to make eye contact with Cyrus.  
  
"It comes in waves. Tidal ones. Really close together. But I think- I think they'll get further apart eventually."  
  
"They do," Cyrus confirmed, nodding. "Trust me, they'll get smaller too. And then eventually, they'll go away. But then, sometimes, they'll creep back up on you."  
  
"How'd you...?"  
  
"My parents are therapists," Cyrus shrugged. "And um...I had an older sister- Rachel. She...died when I was eight and she was 16."  
  
"Cyrus I-"  
  
"No, it's fine. It's been six and a half years, Teej. I try not to dwell on it too much."  
  
"I get it. I try not to think about Molly too much. But then, every single time, I end up thinking about everything she'll never do."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Like, she'll never...She'll never go to high school, or wear that stupid cap and gown and get her diploma. She'll never have her first kiss, or get her heart broken, or go to college." TJ's voice broke with every word, and he found himself wiping tears from his eyes for the first time since Molly died.  
  
"It's okay, Teej," Cyrus whispered hugging him. "You're allowed to cry."  
  
"God, she'll never go on a first date, or have a real best friend. She'll never do this," he sobbed, gesturing to Cyrus and himself. "And it's all my fault."  
  
"Hey. This is not your fault," Cyrus insisted, voice sharp and saturated with finality. He took TJ's hand, lacing their fingers together, and TJ nodded. Cyrus reached up to wipe away his tears.  
  
"I'm such a mess," TJ mumbled as they turned to walk toward Cyrus's house.  
  
"Who isn't?"  
  
It turned out their destination that night was never a place. In reality, their journey's end lied in the understanding of one another, and that was more than enough for them.

* * *

TJ only let go of Cyrus's hand to let him unlock his front door.  
  
"You gonna use the door next time, Kippen?" he asked, stepping inside and turning to face TJ.  
  
"No promises, Underdog," TJ shrugged. He turned to leave, but just before he turned onto the sidewalk, he stopped.  
  
"So, what's the consensus?" he asked, turning around to face Cyrus.  
  
"What?" Cyrus asked, his brows furrowing.  
  
"Well, am I going to be a bad influence on you or not?" Cyrus thought for a moment, a grin on his face.  
  
"I think I could use a bad influence every once in a while."

* * *

TJ quietly opened his front door, stepping inside to find his mom, sitting at the table.  
  
"Hey, kiddo," she said, looking up from her cup of tea.  
  
"Oh, hey mom," he stammered, locking the door behind him and stepping into the kitchen to sit down across from her. "Why are you up?"  
  
"My kid left the house at one am?" she responded.  
  
"Yeah, about that, I just needed-"  
  
"I get it, TJ," she interrupted. "You're not in trouble. However, I am wondering where the hell you went at one in the morning?"  
  
"Cyrus's house. He climbed out the window and we went for a walk," TJ said, waving a hand vaguely.  
  
"You two are really close lately," Jennifer said quietly, reaching forward to set a hand on top of TJ's.  
  
"Yeah, we are."  
  
"I'm so sorry, TJ," she said after a moment, tears brimming in her eyes.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For everything," Jennifer responded. "For your dad, for Molly, for making you feel like you have to hide things from me..."  
  
"What are you talking about?" TJ asked, pulse quickening.  
  
"TJ..." He looked up to find her staring into his eyes, and found himself to be crying for the second time that night. "I can tell when you have a secret. And since you were in eighth grade, it's like you've been trying to say something, but you've taped your mouth shut. And it's like I know exactly what you're going to say, but you won't say it."  
  
"Mom..."  
  
"TJ. Please, talk to me."  
  
"Mom, I'm gay," he whispered, tears falling down his cheeks. Jennifer stood up, circling the table to hug him tightly.  
  
"I know, kiddo. I know."


	6. Chapter 6

TJ woke to the loud, angry tone of his alarm for the first time since the morning of Molly's death, his head immediately throbbing as he sat up. Amber was sleeping next to him, as she had on occasion since the day they came home from the hospital.  
  
"Ambs, wake up," he mumbled, shaking her awake.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
"Mhm, I know. We have school today, though. In...two hours."  
  
"Fuck," Amber grumbled, mostly to herself. "Why did we choose today?"  
  
"...It- it's Monday?" TJ offered. "And we have to get back to school, Ambs."  
  
"I know, I know. But I started my period like two days ago and we just ran out of pads and tampons," she huffed, burying her face back in her pillow.  
  
"Listen, I'll run to the store. You get ready, alright?" TJ offered, grabbing Amber and his set of car keys and turning to his bedroom door.  
  
"Thanks, Teej," she said, reluctantly pushing the covers off of herself and starting down the hall to get dressed.  
  
"Eh, don't mention it. You're the one just casually bleeding out every damn month," TJ responded, jogging outside with a quick call over his shoulder to their mom.

* * *

TJ stepped through the automatic doors of the supermarket, pausing for a moment to glance in both directions as his eyes adjusted to the fluorescent lighting overhead. He took a right, before turning into his aisle.  
  
He was halfway through doing his damnedest to calculate the best deal when someone said his name, startling him from his reverie of numbers and long division symbols.  
  
"TJ?" He glanced up to find Andi Mack, of all the people in the world.  
  
"Oh, hey," he greeted, chuckling to himself at the awkward nature of the situation. "Nice to see you again?"  
  
"Yeah," Andi laughed slightly, stepping into the aisle. "May I ask why you're... here, specifically?" she asked, gesturing vaguely to what was effectively a wall of period products in front of TJ.  
  
"Amber needed pads," he laughed, quickly deciding on and grabbing a box, 99% sure it was the same one they always had at their house.  
  
"Ah. And here I am trying to convince Bex that she really doesn't need more fabric softener. We literally have four bottles of it at our apartment."  
  
"Hey, you never know! Maybe she likes really, really soft clothes?" TJ defended. "Listen, I've been meaning to talk to you, do you have a minute?"  
  
"Y-yeah, of course. As long as I catch Mom before she walks out of here with a lifetime supply of fabric softener, one less deed to a business, and a date at bankruptcy court."  
  
"I wanted to thank you for being there for Amber at the funeral," he said. "And I- I wanted to tell you that I think you should tell her."  
  
"Tell her what?"  
  
"Tell her you're in love with her," TJ said.  
  
"Yeah okay, like it's that simple," Andi scoffed.  
  
"I know, I know. I just- I think you should tell her."  
  
"Does she even like me? Or girls in general?" Andi asked skeptically.  
  
"I don't know?" TJ bluffed.  
  
"You are literally her twin brother, of course you know."  
  
"No, I think you don't understand. I literally have no idea, Andi. That girl is an enigma and a half. Just talk to her, alright?"  
  
"Fine, I will. But I have to get going." Andi nodded goodbye to TJ, before turning to walk away. She stopped just before rounding the corner, turning to face TJ. "You and Amber come back to school today, don't you?"  
  
"Yeah, we do. I'll see you there?"  
  
"As long as I can still afford not to have a job after Mom's fabric softener spree."  
  
"Jesus, I sincerely hope you're exaggerating for the sake of comedy."

* * *

TJ took a deep breath, fiddling with the bottom of his hoodie. He and Amber were wearing similar things, both having chosen primarily black outfits. If asked why, they'd mumble something or other about their clothing choices relying simply on whatever it was that tumbled from their closets that morning.  
  
However, both knew that their sudden affinity for dark, muted clothing revolved around their wish to blend into the rest of the world today, to melt away from everyone else and bleed into near invisible blurs of black fabric and blonde hair.  
  
"Okay?" Amber asked, glancing at her brother.  
  
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Let's just- get this over with?" Amber nodded, taking a step toward the front doors.  
  
The twins' first synchronized footstep into the hallway fell heavily against the shiny linoleum like a textbook being dropped to the ground from the arms of a clumsy student, drawing all eyes in the hallway to them. A quiet murmur spread through the hall as they felt a hundred pairs of eyes resting on them, the sympathy surrounding them nearly tangible as they walked.  
  
"I hate this so much. Why can't they just leave us alone?" TJ whispered to Amber.  
  
"Me too," she agreed, turning toward her locker.  
  
TJ opened his next to her, silently putting his books in his bag. He pulled the tall stack of homework he'd done out of the severely worn backpack, rifling through it and putting the homework for his afternoon classes back in his locker before swinging it shut with a satisfying clang.  
  
"I've gotta go to class," TJ mumbled, training his eyes on the ground to avoid students' gazes.

* * *

TJ and Cyrus walked side by side toward Mrs. Bailey's room, Cyrus doing his best to shoo people's gazes away from them as they walked. When TJ glanced up to find Cyrus angrily mouthing something about 'leaving him alone' to a freshman, he stopped dead in his tracks, turning to face everyone in the hallway.  
  
"Hi, can I have your attention for a second? Yes, my sister is dead. Yes, she died almost a month ago in the hospital. I know, I was there. Now, if you could all stop boring me with sympathy that I know you do not intend sincerely, that'd be lovely." With that, he pivoted on his heel, turning down the hall.  
  
"I'm sorry, Teej. I tried to get them to stop spreading rumors and stuff," Cyrus apologized, following him into Mrs. Bailey's room.  
  
"It's fine, Underdog. You didn't do anything wrong." TJ responded, taking his seat alongside his best friend as the final bell rang loudly through the room.  
  
"Alright, class!" Mrs. Bailey called for the attention of the class. "This class period is going to be dedicated to your projects. Today, we're going to write a quick reflection on your projects thus far. Those interviewing partners, write a short summary of what you've found about your partners. And those being interviewed, reflect upon your experience. In fifteen minutes, turn them in and keep working on asking questions."  
  
Cyrus quickly got to work, writing out a string of blatantly emotionless adjectives describing TJ. He desperately wanted to avoid writing anything too personal about him. When fifteen minutes was up, he turned it in with a sigh, thoroughly unimpressed with his work. He turned back to talk to TJ, sitting next to him and opening his computer.  
  
"Alright, Teej. Where is your favorite place on Earth?"  
  
"Hmm... I don't really know. I guess, there's this tree in the woods behind my house. It's pretty, and you can see the whole city from the top."  
  
"I wanna see it sometime!" Cyrus exclaimed.  
  
"Okay, Underdog. Whatever you say," TJ winked, smiling slightly.  
  
"Cyrus, can I talk to you for a second?" Mrs. Bailey asked from her desk behind them.  
  
"Yeah of course, what's up?" Cyrus asked, standing up and stepping toward her desk.  
  
"This." She held up Cyrus's work. "Is not good enough. I want it done again by the end of the period. And I want it to be done right this time, or you and TJ both get zeroes, no matter what his essay says."  
  
"But he just got back from bereavement leave!"  
  
"I know, Cyrus. But I also know you can do better than some adjectives and a full name."  
  
"...Fine."

* * *

At the end of class, Cyrus was handed back his newly written paper with a bright red 100 at the top, circled multiple times.  
  
"Oooh, can I read it now?" TJ asked excitedly. Cyrus held it away from him, shaking his head in disapproval.  
  
"No!" he exclaimed. "It's not like you don't already know everything I wrote in here!"  
  
"Not true! I wanna know what you wrote about me!" TJ huffed, lunging forward and pulling the paper from his hands as the bell rang, allowing students to file out of the classroom. TJ, however, stayed back with Cyrus, leaning back against their table and reading down the paper.

* * *

_Timothy James Kippen's favorite color is blue. If you were to ask him why, he'd say it's because blue is the color of the sky and of the ocean, of possibility and languid happiness._  
  
_But he won't tell you that blue is laced into his mother's eyes. That the first gift she ever gave her daughters lay in the clear blue shining in their eyes. He won't tell you that he's spent years wishing for the crystal blue eyes he wasn't given. Instead, he fell into green._  
  
_Timothy James Kippen's least favorite color is green. He'll never tell you why, but he knows it's because the very green he holds in his eyes was a gift from the one person he's never wanted a gift from. The one gift he could never return, etched permanently into his eyes._  
  
_TJ is woven out of threads made of midnight walks in the dark, 11:11 wishes, movie ticket stubs, and the few pages precious enough to have been torn from the spines of their journals. He is shelves upon shelves of books, all adorned with notes in black ink along the margins, and countless weathered atlases and world maps, each marked with places he wants to go, things he wants to see, people he wants to meet._  
  
_He is warm, gentle, blue cotton. But he's been dyed green. The dye has stiffened him, tangled the threads that weave through him. He's slowly washing the green away, softening again. But with time, maybe the dye will fade completely. Maybe he'll be warm and kind and loving again. Maybe he'll be blue again. But for now, he's settled for teal._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: This chapter deals really closely with past abuse/trauma.

"Cyrus I-"  
  
"I'm so sorry, I know it's way too personal. I tried to write something more generic, but Mrs. Bailey wouldn't let me do that so I had to get personal and I'm so sorry," Cyrus interrupted.  
  
"No, Cyrus, it- it's beautiful. Thank you," TJ said, wrapping his arms around Cyrus and pulling him into a hug. "Do you- do you wanna come over today? Our time to work kinda got cut short because you had to rewrite this."  
  
"Oh! Yeah, I'd like that. Let me just text my dad and go drop off my books in my locker? I'll meet you at your locker."  
  
"Sounds good," TJ said, starting out the door. Cyrus followed him, but they turned in opposite directions upon exiting the classroom. TJ turned around a few paces down the hall, a grin on his face as he called out to Cyrus. "Oh, and Underdog?"  
  
"Yeah?" Cyrus turned around, meeting his eyes with a smile.  
  
"I'm pretty sure you're dyeing me pink."  
  
"What?" Pink? Cyrus was dyeing him pink? What the hell did that mean? TJ merely smiled that stupidly perfect smile of his and started to leave.  
  
"You'll figure it out. See you in a few!"  
  
Cyrus smiled in spite of himself as he walked down the hall, a blush crawling up his neck as he remembered the way TJ had smiled at him, like Cyrus held the world in his eyes.  
  
"Hey, Cyrus!" Andi said, jogging up to him as Cyrus fished his phone from his pocket.  
  
"Andi!" Cyrus exclaimed, quickly texting his dad to tell him he was hanging out with TJ.  
  
"I feel like it's been forever since we hung out," Andi said sadly. "Can we today?"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry! I have plans with TJ," Cyrus apologized. "Soon though, I promise."  
  
"Okay," Andi nodded. "How about I call you tonight? We can go for late night milkshakes at the Spoon?"  
  
"Sounds perfect. With Buffy?"  
  
"She's got a sleepover with the team tonight. The three of us can hang out this weekend, maybe?" Andi offered. Cyrus nodded with a grin, hugging her goodbye.  
  
"I've missed you two."  
  
"We've missed you more, Cy," Andi promised. "Oh my God! I forgot to tell you!"  
  
"What?" Cyrus asked, clearly worried.  
  
"No, no it's good. TJ and I ran into each other at the supermarket this morning. He told me to tell Amber how I feel."  
  
"Did you take his advice?" Cyrus asked excitedly, nearly bouncing on his toes as he put his books in his locker.  
  
"Not yet, not yet. But soon, maybe? I don't know, it's all so...scary."  
  
"It'll be great, A," Cyrus said, hugging her again. "Oh, I've got something to tell you too! I've gotta go, though."  
  
"What?! No, tell me!"  
  
"I want to think some more about it, kind of figure it out? I don't really even know what it meant yet," Cyrus said sheepishly, thinking to TJ's comment about dyeing him pink.  
  
"Ugh, alright, I'll call you tonight!"  
  
"You'd better," Cyrus laughed, ruffling Andi's hair as he passed her. He turned the corner, his feet hitting the floor the only noise in the hall as he walked.  
  
"There you are, Underdog! Ready to go?" TJ asked, leaning against his locker next to Amber.  
  
"Yup! Sorry, I ran into Andi. We had some...things to catch up on." Amber immediately glanced up upon hearing Andi's name, grinning at the mention of her friend.  
  
"Like what?" she asked, doing her best to maintain a straight face.  
  
"Best friend things," Cyrus chastised with a chuckle, shaking his head at Amber's clear feelings for Andi.  
  
"C'mon, let's get going," TJ said, tugging Cyrus and Amber toward the exit. "We stay here any longer, we're going to be given a damn mop and asked to cover for the night janitor."  
  
"Alright alright, we're going," Amber laughed, letting TJ push her down the hall.  
  
They stepped into the warm September air, the sun pouring over them like water from a faucet. TJ glanced down at Cyrus, whose soft, dark eyes had melted into pools of molasses under the light. His glance morphed into a lingering gaze, but he was snapped from his musings by a sharp pain as Amber pinched his wrist. TJ swatted her hand away, mouthing a silent 'not now' as they walked.  
  
'Then when?' Amber mouthed back, earning a vaguely gestured 'shut up' and a flick to the head as they turned onto the Kippens' street. Amber smiled and raised a knowing eyebrow, stepping forward to walk in front of the pair. They walked encased in a comfortable silence for a few moments, before turning up their driveway.  
  
Amber opened the door, only to slam it shut again.  
  
"Ambs? What's wrong?" TJ asked, rushing forward to rest a hand on Amber's shoulder.  
  
"Nothing," she said, taking a deep breath and shaking her head. "Hand just slipped."  
  
"...Okay?" TJ said, pulling the heavy front door open. "Oh."  
  
"What? What's happening?" Cyrus asked, stepping forward. Over TJ's shoulder, someone Cyrus had never seen before was sitting at the kitchen table.  
  
He seemed to be perfectly normal, dressed in jeans and a gray T-shirt, and the spitting image of TJ. Connecting dots one by one, Cyrus understood what was happening.  
  
"Cyrus, I- we can't hang out today, sorry. You should, um...You should go home."  
  
"TJ, I-"  
  
"Cyrus, go. Seriously." TJ interrupted.  
  
"But-"  
  
"Cyrus, just go home! God, do you ever just let it go? I don't need your help, Cyrus." Cyrus recoiled slightly, eyes falling to the ground.  
  
"TJ I just want to-"  
  
"STOP IT. You can't help us!" TJ roared, marching toward Cyrus, who merely walked backward in time with his footsteps.  
  
"Not if you don't fucking let me!" The curse felt awkward tumbling from his mouth, but it didn't matter. Not now. Not with TJ staring at him with tears welling in his eyes.  
  
"Listen to me, Cyrus. I know you don't get it because you live in two huge white houses and have more money than you know what to do with. You have four perfect, loving parents, and two best friends who'd kill for you. You get perfect grades. You have perfect clothes.  
  
"You can afford to not have to cover the electricity bill or the groceries every few months just to keep food on the table and a roof over your fucking family's heads. You never have to wonder where your next meal is going to come from, or if you can afford to miss another day of school to go to work. You never have to skip out on getting antidepressants just because your health insurance doesn't cover them and your family can't pay it out of pocket. Your life is perfect, and you don't have to lift a finger for it.  
  
"But mine isn't, Cyrus. I have one functional parent and one sister. I used to have two, but guess what? ONE'S DEAD. Amber, my mom and I fight and work every fucking day just to keep the lights on and the water running.  
  
"So I am sorry if you don't get to play the savior this time, Cyrus. I'm sorry if my life doesn't make you happy or satisfy your stupid fucking need to save every person you meet, but you don't get to fix me. Just go home."  
  
"I- I'm sorry," Cyrus said, pushing tears out of his eyes as he turned and rushed down the walkway and out of the neighborhood.  
  
"GodDAMNIT!" TJ yelled, kicking the railing on their porch as he watched Cyrus leave.  
  
"TJ," Amber said quietly, one hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry."  
  
"It's fine, Amber," TJ snapped, turning and pushing back through the front door.

* * *

Cyrus walked into his house with a sigh, dropping his keys on the table by the door.  
  
"Hey, kiddo," his dad said, stepping into the foyer to hug his son. "I thought you were hanging out with TJ."  
  
"I realized I have homework," Cyrus mumbled, eyes on the ground.  
  
His words were clipped, but somehow managed to bleed into one another like black and gray watercolors across a bright canvas. He pushed past his dad and started up the stairs. His footsteps, weighted with sadness and concern for TJ, fell heavily against the warm carpet beneath his toes.  
  
Ignoring his dad's worried knocking on his bedroom door, he pulled his laptop from his bag and plugged his earbuds into his phone. He fell onto his bed, the soft melody floating through his earbuds calming him slightly, and pushed his laptop open.  
  
As he opened Google Chrome, some of the residual worry for TJ that had settled into his very bones began to fall away, replaced with implacable determination. He quickly typed 'color pink meaning' into his search bar, scrolling through the results with languid interest, not really believing he'd find what he was looking for on the first try.  
  
However, as it turns out, TJ was very bad at leaving breadcrumbs. He'd instead opted to give Cyrus the whole loaf of bread, thus making his search infinitely easier.  
  
Cyrus found what he needed as soon as he started to pay attention to the links he was passing. Several connected pink to little girls and femininity, but neither concerned to Cyrus, as he was very sure he hadn't turned TJ into a little girl.  
  
What did stick out to him was the overwhelming consensus that the entirety of the internet had seemed to decide upon.  
  
Pink meant love.  
  
Apparently, pink was the color of falling asleep next to someone, of intertwined hands and smiling into kisses. It was the color of falling in love with someone before you were entirely finished falling in love with the way they walk down the hall.  
  
Pink was the color of the blush that fell upon his cheeks whenever TJ smiled at him.  
  
Cyrus Goodman was in love with TJ Kippen. He was in love with the boy who wanted nothing to do with him.

* * *

"What are you doing here?" TJ asked, closing the door behind him and moving to stand slightly in front of Amber, taking her hand.  
  
"What, you didn't miss me?" Vincent asked, standing from his chair.  
  
"No, we really didn't," Amber said, fighting to even her voice. Behind TJ's back, she silently texted their mom the most definite message she could write fast enough.  
  
_Dad's back._

* * *

Jennifer rushed into the house as something shattered, most likely a picture frame.  
  
"Vince! What the fuck are you doing here?" she asked, quickly pushing Amber and TJ toward their rooms. "I have a restraining order out on you, you know that."  
  
"I'm here to see my kids," Vince said with a shrug that sent a frightened chill down Jennifer's back.  
  
"No the hell you're not," she responded, pulling her phone from her bag and dialing 911.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?!" She quickly detailed what was happening and where they were to the operator, who told her help was on the way. "You'll regret that, Jen."  
  
"Oh no, I won't." Jennifer looked up at him, ignoring the voice in her head screaming to run, her eyes narrow. "You listen to me this time. You are not going to lay a hand on my children or come near us ever again."  
  
She kept talking until she could hear sirens, at which point Vincent finally tipped over the boiling point.

* * *

"Hey, kiddos," Jennifer said quietly, opening TJ's door. "Are you two okay?"  
  
"I-I don't know," TJ stammered, one arm around Amber, who was crying, the heels of her palms continuously shoving tears away.  
  
"I'll take that as a no," she said, closing the door behind her and sitting on the end of TJ's bed. "What happened?"  
  
"He was here when we got home from school, so I sent Cyrus home."  
  
"Cyrus was here?"  
  
"Yeah, we were going to work on our project for health class. I made him go home, because I didn't want him to get hurt," TJ mumbled. "But I think I might have hurt him in the process."  
  
"I'll be back to that later. Did Vince hurt you two?"  
  
"N-no," Amber stuttered. "I thought he would, but he just broke a picture frame of you, me, TJ, and Molly."  
  
"I'll get a new one," Jennifer promised.  
  
"What did he even want?" TJ asked, silently handing Amber a box of tissues.  
  
"Said he wanted to raise his own kids," Jennifer mumbled with a shrug.  
  
"That's not fair! He broke us, he doesn't get to put us back together again!" Amber yelled, anger seeping into her tears.  
  
"I know, kiddo. I said the same thing. Listen, how about I go clean up and make some food? You two probably have a lot of homework after your first day, huh?" As Amber and TJ nodded, Jennifer smiled slightly, standing and leaving the room.  
  
She let the door shut behind her with a gentle click, sighing as she walked down the hall. On the kitchen floor next to the fridge lay a shatter picture frame. The wood was splintered, the glass fractured into tiny pieces and spread around the frame.  
  
She crouched near the mess, reaching forward to gently pull the still intact photo from the debris. Sighing, she set it on the counter and turned to sweep the glass and wood into a dustpan. When she dumped it into the garbage, she paused to look around their house.  
  
She'd fought for years to obtain the life they led, but she knew damn well it wasn't all it was supposed to be. Her kids were her life, but was this life enough for them?


	8. Chapter 8

Cyrus fell backward onto his bed, slamming the lid of his laptop closed as he flopped into the mess of comforters and pillows adorning his bed.   
  
"Cyrus?" His dad poked his head through Cyrus's door, stepping inside and closing it behind him. "Hey, you okay?"  
  
"Mhm," Cyrus mumbled into his pillow, reaching up to wipe the tears welling in his eyes away.  
  
"Hey." He sat down on his son's bed, resting a hand on Cyrus's arm. "What's going on?"  
  
"Nothing," Cyrus insisted, turning over and sitting up.  
  
"Cyrus, honey. You have tears in your eyes. You know you can tell me anything, right?" Cyrus nodded miserably, wiping his eyes. "What's up?"  
  
"I just- I had a fight with a friend," he admitted. Norman stared at him for a long moment before opening his mouth to respond.  
  
"Well, okay, but what else? I know you take fights with Buffy and Andi very seriously, but they've never prompted this," he paused to gesture at Cyrus and his laptop. "Before. I know you, Cyrus. What else is going on?"  
  
"It wasn't Buffy or Andi," Cyrus mumbled.  
  
"Ah. Jonah, then?" Cyrus merely shook his head, arms wrapped around his waist. He took a deep breath, looking up.  
  
"It was TJ."  
  
"I should have guessed," Norman mumbled to himself. "What happened?"   
  
"It doesn't matter," Cyrus said, shaking his head.  
  
"I get it, Cy. I'll leave you alone now. But just- if you do want to talk at some point, I'm always around." With that, he stood to leave, kissing the top of Cyrus's head as he went.  
  
"Dad I- I really like him," Cyrus blurted before he could stop himself. Norman stopped, turning around and sitting back down at the end of Cyrus's bed.  
  
"Well...Yeah. He's your friend, that's kind of how you're supposed to feel about them?"  
  
"No, Dad. I- I like him, not like a friend." Norman simply stared at him blankly, and Cyrus could nearly hear the wheels turning in his head. "God, why is this so hard? Okay, fine. Dad."  
  
"...Cyrus." Norman matched his serious tone, smiling gently at his son.  
  
"I have feelings for him. Like- romantic ones. I'm gay, Dad."   
  
Something finally clicked for his dad, who immediately leaned across Cyrus's laptop to hug him tightly. The second his dad's arms were wrapped around him, Cyrus burst into tears, sobbing into Norman's shoulder.  
  
They stayed there until Cyrus's tears had dried, no longer rolling off his face like water from a faucet. He pulled away from his dad after a few more moments of comfortable silence, the heels of his palms instinctively raising to brush away the trails of tears painted over his face.  
  
"I love you so much, Cyrus." Norman said, warm voice cutting through the silence as he ran a hand through Cyrus's hair, now tangled and slightly matted.  
  
"I love you more, Dad."

* * *

The warm lighting in the Spoon poured over Andi and Cyrus as they sat across from one another.  
  
"So! What were you going to tell me about?" Andi asked excitedly. Cyrus groaned, leaning forward to rest his head on the table.  
  
"So do not want to talk about it," he grumbled, voice muffled by the heavy material of the hoodie he was wearing. He'd borrowed it from TJ days ago, and had yet to return it; the fabric was warm and soft and still smelled like TJ- his coconut scented shampoo, the lavender laundry detergent the Kippens used.  
  
"What's wrong?" Andi's voice was heavy with concern as she spoke, one hand reaching forward to take Cyrus's.  
  
"So many things, Andi. I wouldn't know where to start." Andi smiled gently, shrugging and sitting back against the back of her seat.  
  
"How about the beginning?"   
  
Cyrus grinned, nodding and taking a sip of his milkshake. He pulled the basket of baby taters sitting on the edge of the table toward him, pulling out two and standing them next to one another. A napkin was plucked from the stack residing on their table, upon which two tiny eights were written in blue pen. The napkin was ripped into three pieces; two tiny sections adorned with eights, and the majority of the napkin, which was cast aside to be found later. He placed a piece of napkin on top of each baby tater.  
  
"Well, it all really started when we were paired together for health class."

* * *

TJ sat down next to Amber, the mattress beneath him sinking as he moved so she could rest her head on his shoulder.  
  
"When did our life become such a mess?" she asked, leaning into her brother's side. TJ wrapped an arm around her in an odd but more or less effective side hug.  
  
"Well, count how old we are to the day and add nine months," he mumbled. "Our life was always going to be a mess, Ambs. Maybe not this much of a mess, sure, but maybe the universe is just an overachiever."  
  
"Since when do you believe in fate?" Amber asked, laughing in spite of herself. TJ shrugged slightly, looking down at his lap.  
  
"I don't, not really. I just think it'd be kind of comforting, you know? To believe so strongly that your life has already been mapped out in front of you." Amber nodded in understanding, looking up to make eye contact with TJ.  
  
"What are you going to do about Cyrus?" TJ stared at her in disbelief, eyes wide.  
  
"Nice segue, Ambs."  
  
"Well, you and me both know that's all you're thinking about right now," Amber defended with a shrug. "You like him, Teej. It's time to face it."  
  
"Well yeah, he's my best friend. Of course I like him," TJ said slowly, blatantly avoiding Amber's original intent.  
  
"TJ. You know what I'm talking about."  
  
"I- can't do this," TJ admitted quietly.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I can't be in love with Cyrus!" TJ exclaimed, his words becoming progressively more watery as he continued. "I can't do this right now. I can't afford to keep breaking like this over and over again, Amber. I can't have my heart broken."  
  
He trained his eyes in his lap, but Amber gently pulled his chin up, meeting his green eyes.  
  
"Hey. I've got you Teej. No matter what happens, you're stuck with me, okay?" TJ nodded, wrapping his arms around Amber.   
  
"Thank you for being such a great sister," he mumbled, pulling away.   
  
Amber broke into a smile slowly, looking over TJ's shoulder at the set of keys to their mother's car sitting on his desk. TJ turned around, following her gaze to his desk.  
  
"Amber?" he asked tentatively. Amber merely smirked, throwing off the blankets sitting in her lap and crossing the room. She picked up the car keys, twirling them on her finger, clearly deep in thought.   
  
"Put your glasses back on, Kippen. I've got an idea."


	9. Chapter 9

"How do you think Buffy's going to feel about this?" Andi asked, walking alongside Cyrus through the warm fall night. "I know she said you could be friends with whomever you want, but..."  
  
"I just hope she doesn't hate me. I don't think I could deal with that all over again." Andi frowned, glancing at Cyrus through the dark of the night. Cyrus could nearly hear the wheels in he head turning as she reached for his hand.  
  
"Cyrus. I know Buffy might not be the happiest with TJ. And I know she probably won't be too happy if you two get together. But-"  
  
"Andi, she's not just going to be a little uncomfortable. What if she makes me choose between her and TJ again?" Cyrus cut her off, voice weighted with fear. "I can't do that again!"  
  
"Hey, Cyrus. You know Buffy. She just wants you to be happy. Granted, she wants you to be happy her way, but she wants you to be happy nonetheless. Buffy loves you so much, Cy. She'd never want you to get hurt."  
  
"Andi, I don't think I've ever felt the way I do about TJ for anyone else," Cyrus admitted.   
  
"What about Jonah?" Andi offered, still holding Cyrus's hand tightly.   
  
"It's different with TJ. It's like- I just want him to be happy, and okay, all the time. And as much as I can't stand the fact that he doesn't want my help, if my leaving is what makes him happy, then I'll do it.  
  
"My crush on Jonah was- it was easy. It was like those crushes you get in elementary school, where you're attracted to this concept of them. There's this picture of them in your head, and they're perfect and sweet all the time. And you're in love with this thought that they could be perfect with you.  
  
"But with TJ- I don't even think TJ is perfect like I did when I first met him, but I'm still in love with him. It's like I loved this perfect version of him, but I'm in love with who he actually is. When we met, he was this tall, funny, charismatic person- the picture of what perfect was supposed to be. But he was mean to Buffy, and he's imperfect and messy and broken and I am still in love with him."  
  
"Cyrus, why did you fight? I know you did, but you never told me why," Andi said. Cyrus could feel her understanding what had happened, even without his help; he could hear it in her voice, could see it in her eyes, could feel it in the way she held his hand tighter as he spoke.  
  
"I just wanted to help," he finished after several moments, voice trembling slightly. "Andi, do you think they're okay?"  
  
Andi let go of Cyrus's hand to pull his phone from his pocket. She quickly unlocked it, clicking into his contacts and scrolling down to 'Not So Scary Basketball Guy'. She turned the phone so he could see the bright screen. She'd opened TJ's contact, the green outline of a phone effectively taunting him.  
  
"I think there's only one way to find out, Cyrus." 

* * *

TJ followed Amber out of the house quietly, holding his breath as the door clicked shut behind them.  
  
"Where exactly are we going?" TJ asked quietly, following Amber to the car.  
  
"Bold of you to assume I'm telling you," Amber winked, turning the key in the ignition. "You left mom a note, right?"  
  
"Yep," TJ nodded. "Though it may say we'll be back by 21:00, not midnight."  
  
"Eh, I think she'll know we can't go back in time," Amber shrugged, turning out of their neighborhood. "And don't you dare ask where we're going again."  
  
"...Fine." TJ turned to look out the window with a sigh, the black outline of the trees contrasting the dark blue of the night sky as they drove. "Ambs?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"I just- you're in love with Andi, aren't you?" Amber abruptly turned to face him for a moment before returning her eyes to the road.  
  
"That's an interesting question, TJ. A complicated, loaded, very interesting question. One that I'm not really sure I know how to answer," she admitted quietly.  
  
"That's fine, Ambs. You aren't required to know how you feel about any-"  
  
"Yes," Amber interrupted. "I'm in love with her."  
  
"That was fast," TJ chuckled, grinning at Amber.  
  
"I don't know. It's been on my mind for a long time, you know?"   
  
"I get it," TJ smiled gently.  
  
"...TJ?"  
  
"What's up?" He turned to face Amber in concern.  
  
"Do you still miss her?"  
  
"Amber. It's only been a month. And in any case, we will always miss Molly. It'll sneak up on us for the rest of our lives," he responded.  
  
"I know you're right, but I don't want you to be. I want this all to be some twisted nightmare we just haven't woken up from yet. I want to wake up to her shaking me because she had an accident, I want to brush her hair and help her pick out her outfits again. I miss her so much, TJ," she said quietly, voice threatening to break.  
  
"I miss her too, Ambs. I can't stop thinking about what she'd be doing if she was still alive. Like, all those stupid little things she'll never get to do now."  
  
"God, I know! I keep reliving that split second before she fell. She was just sitting on her bed, playing, and then- she wasn't. I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that she's gone. It's like, one second she's asleep in a hospital bed. We're all assuming she'll be fine. We don't say our goodbyes because we're so positive she'll be fine.  
  
"Mom even told me, while you and Cyrus went to find tea and coffee. She said that we weren't going to say goodbye. She said there were going to be a lot of people dying in that hospital that night, but Molly wasn't going to be one of them. And I believed her. And then, she was just- gone. We never even got to say goodbye." Amber was actually crying by the time she finished speaking, tears rolling down her cheeks as she turned into the parking lot of the cemetery.   
  
"This was your idea?!" TJ asked, glancing around.  
  
"No," Amber sniffled. "I just kinda...Changed course halfway here. We were gonna sneak onto the school's roof."  
  
"...Yeah, I like this idea much better. And that's saying a lot, given that we're literally in a cemetery."  
  
They got out of the car simultaneously, walking toward the gate in front of them. TJ tried to push it open, but found it to be restrained by a padlock.  
  
"Did we plan for this?" he asked, turning to Amber.  
  
"No we did not," she laughed drily, wiping tears from her eyes. "C'mon, the fence will be easier to jump."  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, Monday night with the Kippens. We are so lucky tomorrow is a teacher work day." TJ muttered, hopping over the fence and following Amber. "Also, aren't you like...Bleeding from the uterus at the moment?"  
  
"Yeah, but cramps don't usually get really bad until like the third day of my period."  
  
"Jesus," TJ mumbled, turning toward Molly's grave. "So you're just like suff-"  
  
His breath caught in his throat when he glanced up from the ground and found himself face to face with Molly Eleanor Kippen's headstone. Amber reached behind herself, grasping TJ's hand in her own as he stepped forward. They sat down side by side, knees pulled into their chests.  
  
"Hey, Molls," Amber started slowly. "Sorry, we don't have flowers or anything. Um, we just- we miss you so much, Molly. Life just isn't the same without you here. And, uh, we never really got to say goodbye to you, so I guess here it is. Goodbye, Molls. We miss you, kiddo. We miss you more every day you're not here, and we promise we'll never stop. I love you so much, M."  
  
"My turn?" TJ asked softly. Amber nodded silently, wiping her tears on her sleeve. "Okay, here we go."  
  
He reached into his pocket, pulling out a tiny stuffed dinosaur.  
  
"I- uh, I found Diplo the diplodocus in your room a couple of days ago. I've been carrying him around with me, but I figured you might want him here." TJ extended a shaking hand, resting Diplo among the surplus of plastic flowers laid against her headstone. "...If you can't see us from, wherever it is that you are, I want you to know we're gonna be alright. Eventually. Because I know you, kid, and I know that you are worrying your head, or whatever the equivalent of that is when you die, off about us. We're gonna be okay again, Molly. I promise."  
  
They sat in silence for a few moments, Amber resting her head against TJ's shoulder.  
  
"You ready to go?" she asked, dusting herself off and standing up.  
  
"...Could we make a stop first?"  
  
"Yeah, of course, where at? I mean, not a lot is open this late, but-"  
  
"No, in the cemetery."  
  
"...Oh. Okay, lead the way." TJ nodded, starting to turn away from Molly's grave, before pausing. He turned around, bent down, and picked up a single fake daisy from the pile of flowers.  
  
"Sorry, Molls. It's for a good cause, I promise." TJ took Amber's hand, leading her back through the cemetery, mentally blessing whomever it was who decided to organize it vaguely alphabetically the whole way.  
  
They came to a stop in front of a marble headstone, long since lacking in flowers. He crouched in front of the headstone, laying the daisy in front of it. The marble was engraved:   
  
_Rachel Elizabeth Goodman_  
  
 _1997-2013_  
  
 _"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."_  
  
 _~Søren Kierkegaard_  
  
"Hey, Rachel," TJ started. "Cyrus told me you liked daisies. I kinda stole this one from my little sister, but I figured you might need it more. Cyrus has told me a lot about you. I don't really know how the whole death thing works, but I figured I'd try anyway. I just, I wanted to tell you that Cyrus misses you so much, and he wouldn't be who he is today without you. I'm also...I'm also here to, I guess, ask your blessing? I don't know how this works, really, but I really like your little brother. And I was wondering if you could, I dunno, give me a sign or something? I figured your input was as important as anyone's. I guess that's it, then. It was good to...you know, talk...at you."  
  
TJ started to walk toward Amber, then pivoted, crouching front of Rachel's headstone again.  
  
"Oh! And, if there is some kind of a god or other omniscient being wherever you are, could you ask them where they stand on the whole gay thing? We'd all really like to know. Um, goodbye, then."  
  
TJ stood up again, following Amber to the car.  
  
"Cyrus's cousin?" Amber asked, backing out of their parking space.   
  
"No, sister," TJ corrected, voice heavy and somber.  
  
"I didn't know he had a sister."  
  
"Me either. He only told me a couple of weeks ago."  
  
"Ah," Amber nodded.   
  
They drove in silence for a few minutes, content to be alone with their own thoughts. That is, until TJ's phone interrupted the comfortable silence, piercing through it as it rang.  
  
"Cyrus?" TJ muttered to himself, picking up the phone. "Hello?"  
  
"...Hey, TJ."  
  
"Uh...What's up?" TJ asked, ignoring Amber as she smacked the side of his head.  
  
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know you don't want or need my help or anything, but I-"  
  
"Cyrus," TJ interrupted. "Stop, please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you away earlier. I just- I had to deal with my dad." The apology was awkward as he forced it from his lips, but hearing the way Cyrus sighed in relief on the line was infinitely worth it.  
  
"I get it, TJ. But, you're okay, right?" TJ adjusted his grip on his phone, glancing over at Amber. Tears were pooling at the corner of her eyes, and she was clearly thinking about Molly.  
  
"Yeah, we're alright." Cyrus let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.  
  
"Oh thank God. Listen, I have to go, but can we hang out tomorrow? Get some work done on our project?"  
  
"I'd love that. How about I come to you this time?" TJ offered.  
  
"Sounds good. Around noon?"  
  
"I'll be there, Underdog."

* * *

Cyrus stepped into his dark house as he hung up the phone, wood flooring creaking under his feet.  
  
"Hey, Cy," his dad greeted from the living room, where he was reading a book under a small lamp.  
  
"Hey, dad," Cyrus mumbled, passing the living room to go upstairs. However, the moment his foot landed on the first step of the staircase, his dad spoke up again.  
  
"Cyrus, come sit with me for a second?" He obliged after a moment of standing still, one foot frozen against the stairs.  
  
"What's up?" he asked, sitting down across from his dad.  
  
"Are you okay, kiddo?" Norman asked, setting his book aside.  
  
"I'm fine," Cyrus said with a shrug. "Just tired."  
  
"Hey, what's going on? Is this about TJ? You know you can tell me anything."  
  
"...Indirectly. I've been thinking about Rachel lately. Where she'd be, who she'd be," Cyrus admitted. "I hate that I don't know much about her, except that she'd be 24 right now."  
  
"She'd be in law school," Norman mumbled, mostly to himself.   
  
"She wanted to be a lawyer?"  
  
"Defense attorney." Norman glanced at the side table to his left, where his car keys sat gleaming under the lamplight. He smiled slightly, picking them up off the table. "C'mon."  
  
"Where are we going?" Cyrus asked, following his dad to the car.  
  
"I imagine you'll find out when we get there, will you not?"

* * *

Norman jumped over the black wrought iron fence surrounding the cemetery in one fluid motion, leaving a heavily stunned Cyrus on the other side. He turned around to help Cyrus over, taking his hand and catching him when he inevitably tumbled over the fence.  
  
"I didn't know we could do that!" Cyrus exclaimed, following his dad through the graveyard.  
  
"Well, we can't. Not legally."  
  
"Who even are you?" Cyrus asked, staring at his father in wonder. Norman simply smiled, taking his son's hand and weaving them through the gravestones surrounding them. They reached Rachel's after a few minutes of silently walking alongside one another.  
  
Cyrus crouched to read the text under the moonlight, while his dad picked up the daisy laying on the ground in front of it.  
  
"Who would leave a single fake daisy on a headstone?" he asked, handing it to Cyrus, who twirled it between his thumb and index finger. He remembered the conversation he'd had with TJ a couple weeks before, a smile gracing his face.  
  
 _"So what was she like?" TJ had asked, running his hands gently over the photo on Cyrus's desk; a thirteen-year-old Rachel with five-year-old Cyrus, who was grinning widely as he handed her a daisy._  
  
 _"I don't really remember," Cyrus had responded quietly. "Liked daisies, I guess."_  
  
"TJ Kippen would."


	10. Chapter 10

Cyrus knelt in front of Rachel's headstone, setting the daisy back down.  
  
"Hi, Rach. I don't really know how to do this, but I'm gonna try anyway. I miss you, so much. I guess that's how grief works; my- or I guess our- family always told me it sneaks up on you, but I guess I never really got it. Until now. A mere eight years late, but I guess it just took a while for all of this to catch up to me.  
  
"So...I guess my friend TJ came and talked to you? I'd ask what he said, but I feel like that's bad graveyard etiquette. Is that a thing? I don't know if that's a thing, but if it is, requesting the disclosure of information probably violates that.  
  
"Anyway... I'm not entirely sure what I want to say to you, except that I miss you. I guess I'll leave it at that, because I'm not sure I could get through much more without blatantly falling apart. Goodbye, Rachel."  
  
"Ready, Cyrus?" his father asked, helping him off the ground. Cyrus glanced over his shoulder to where he knew Molly's grave would be.  
  
"Yeah, I am."

* * *

Cyrus found himself lying awake atop his bed at 11:59, when TJ's knuckles rapping against his bedroom door jolted him from his mindless daydreaming.  
  
"Is it noon?" he mumbled to himself, crossing the room to open the door. "Hey, Teej."  
  
"Underdog! Your dad let me in on his way out the door," TJ explained, hugging him tightly. He carded a hand through Cyrus's hair without thinking much about it, though Cyrus seemed to be unfazed by the gesture.  
  
"I missed you," he murmured into TJ's hoodie. "I know it's only been like, 20 hours, but still."  
  
"I missed you too, Underdog," TJ chuckled, reluctantly pulling away from Cyrus. He leaned against the doorframe, glancing around Cyrus's room in wonder.  
  
"What are you looking at?" Cyrus asked, glancing around.  
  
"You redecorated."  
  
The second Cyrus had set foot inside his room the night before, he'd glanced around, and found that he'd long since outgrown the room around him. The air had grown stagnant, the bedding too wrinkled, the decorations too... something. There was something about the bedroom that felt to Cyrus as though he was standing inside a physical representation of the child he couldn't believe he'd once been.  
  
Thus, he'd turned on his heel and slept in the guest room. The moment he woke up, around 6 am, he'd left his dad a note on the fridge, and made a more or less emergency trip to Walmart.  
  
By 11 am, his room was somewhat brand new, redecorated in a color scheme of black, white and navy blue. His bedding was replaced, walls decorated with black and white photos, all framed in navy blue. He'd gone through his bookcase, finding every book meant to reside downstairs, though as he glanced around now, he found that he'd left the stack on his bed. A large white shag rug he'd found in the attic now resided under his bed, and his desk had been thoroughly reorganized.  
  
The photo of Rachel that had sat atop the white desk was now in a collage of black and white photo frames, accompanied by as many photos of her and himself he could find. Above his headboard were several strings of white fairy lights, upon which polaroids of himself, his friends and his family had been attached with dark blue clothespins.  
  
"Yeah, I did." Cyrus glanced around, rubbing the back of his neck. "Had a bit of a mental breakdown last night."  
  
"You okay?" TJ asked, stepping inside the room. He passed Cyrus, eyes trained on the polaroids above his bed.  
  
"Yeah, I'm alright... What are you doing?" TJ had unclipped one of the photos, and was holding it gingerly in one hand. He held it up to Cyrus, revealing a photo of TJ himself. Well, of TJ and Cyrus. They were clearly laughing, neither aware of the camera on them as they stared at one another.  
  
"Who took this?" TJ asked, smiling at the photo in hand.  
  
"Amber," Cyrus said, stepping forward and letting the door click shut behind him.  
  
"I remember that!" TJ exclaimed, putting the photo back. "She always said we looked-"  
  
"-Like we were about to kiss?" Cyrus interrupted. TJ nodded, a blush spreading up his neck. "Andi said the same thing."  
  
"Those two," TJ chuckled awkwardly, shaking his head. "Always in sync."  
  
"...Yeah. I've got to get these downstairs, come with me?" Cyrus asked, scooping up the stack of books on the bed and gesturing for TJ to follow him downstairs. "Then we can get to work."  
  
Halfway down the staircase, three of the books tumbled from the top of Cyrus's pile. He bent down to pick them up, and managed the first two before TJ beat him to the third. He glanced down at the cover before handing it to Cyrus.  
  
_Fear and Trembling._  
  
Søren Kierkegaard.  
  
_Rachel._  
  
TJ took a deep breath to steady his heartbeat as he turned to face Cyrus.  
  
"I went to the cemetery last night." His words frightened him as they fell from his mouth, but he managed to get them out anyway. "Talked to- at? Your sister."  
  
"I know, I saw the daisy," Cyrus said, beginning to replace the books in their rightful places. "Thanks, by the way. It was sweet."  
  
"I figured Molly could spare one," TJ said, watching Cyrus put Fear and Trembling back on the shelf.  
  
_Don't fuck this up._  
  
"Talked to Molly too?" Cyrus asked, pushing a book in between two others.  
  
"Yeah, I did." TJ's voice betrayed him as it wavered slightly. Cyrus turned around, a sympathetic smile on his face, and pulled TJ into a hug without warning. He rested his chin on TJ's shoulder, arms wrapped tightly around him.  
  
"You okay?" he asked, pulling back to stare into TJ's eyes. As he looked at him, watching his green eyes well slightly with tears, he found himself unable to grasp the concept that he was here.  
  
He was friends with TJ Kippen. Hugging and comforting him, watching him laugh and drying his tears when he cried. He was in love with TJ Kippen, and something in him was terrified of it. However, another part of him couldn't help but fall further in love with TJ with every beat of his heart.  
  
"Yeah, I'm gonna be alright," TJ said quietly, taking a step closer to Cyrus. Their breath mixed together, hearts racing in unison. "You know, I visited Rachel's grave for a reason."  
  
"Oh?" Cyrus's voice was breathy as he spoke, eyes locked with TJ's.  
  
"Mhm," TJ mumbled. "Wanted to ask her a question."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"I- I wanted to ask if I could..." He trailed off, unable to admit what he was thinking.  
  
"Could what?" Cyrus asked, feigning oblivious nature. TJ took a deep breath, bringing one of his hands to the back of Cyrus's neck.  
  
"Can I kiss you?" Cyrus's breath caught in his throat as he nodded, and then they were kissing.  
  
The first kiss was soft and hesitant, Cyrus tipping his head backward so TJ could reach his lips. It was warm and gentle as TJ held Cyrus close, and Cyrus wasn't sure how long it lasted. It felt like an eternity passed as they kissed, and yet when they pulled apart, it was entirely too soon.  
  
However, their second kiss was by far his favorite. When their lips connected once more, Cyrus couldn't help but wind his hands into TJ's hair. The hesitant nature of their first kiss evaporated entirely as TJ stepped even closer to Cyrus, arms wrapped around his waist. Cyrus's knees threatened to give out as he melted against TJ, but he knew he'd hold him up. He tasted like raspberries and mint and Cyrus could feel himself falling in love with him all over again as they kissed.  
  
"...Whoa," TJ mumbled when they pulled apart, eyes shining as he met Cyrus's.  
  
"I- that was- whoa," Cyrus agreed, unable to form a coherent thought, let alone a sentence.  
  
"You okay?" TJ asked, clearly amused in spite of the fact that his head was still spinning with the memory of the kiss. Cyrus tasted of chocolate and espresso and TJ was in love with the taste, still lingering on his tongue.  
  
"Yeah. Definitely, yeah. That was... Yeah. I'm great."  
  
"I can tell," TJ smiled gently, taking Cyrus's hand. "So..."  
  
"So..."  
  
"Boyfriends?" TJ offered, cheeks burning red. Cyrus looked him over for a moment; his eyes were shining warmly, lips red from kissing Cyrus and his hair standing slightly on end where Cyrus had run his hands through it.  
  
"Oh, definitely." Cyrus stepped back into TJ's arms, pushing himself onto his tiptoes to kiss him again.  
  
He decided he quite liked raspberries.

* * *

Andi paced back and forth outside the Kippens' house, warm air displacing around her as she walked. She fiddled anxiously with the bracelet on her wrist, running a thumb along its length. Her hand trembled slightly as she knocked on the door, the sound reverberating through the house behind it.  
  
"Hey, Andi! What's up?" Amber asked as she stepped outside. Andi paused for a moment, looking her up and down.  
  
"I just- I was wondering if I could take you out to lunch. Like, on a date? I get it if you don't want to do that or if you're not interested or-"  
  
"Andi!" Amber exclaimed, taking her hands. "I'd love that."  
  
"Wait, really?"  
  
"Are you kidding?" I've been in love with you since like- the day we met," Amber chuckled, pulling Andi toward her.  
  
"I- I'm in love with you too," Andi stammered, letting Amber tug her into a kiss. Despite knowing full well it was coming, she gasped when Amber's lips touched hers, electricity running down her spine. Amber, being Amber, naturally wrapped her arms around Andi's waist, letting her wrap hers around Amber's neck.  
  
They both knew they'd eventually have to separate but for the moment they were content to stay where they were, wrapped in each other's arms.

* * *

"I love you," Cyrus whispered against TJ's lips. He pulled away after a second, lowering off the tips of his toes.  
  
"I love you more, Underdog," TJ promised. Cyrus shook his head amusedly, grinning as he leaned back up to kiss his boyfriend again.  
  
"Liar."


	11. Cyrus's Essay

_Timothy James Kippen is a thousand and one paradoxes wrapped into one; an enigma tied into a knot of broken superstitions and promises kept without fail. He is without a doubt his mother's son, and his sister's brother._   
  
_Timothy James Kippen's favorite color is blue. If you were to ask him why, he'd say it's because blue is the color of the sky and of the ocean, of possibility and languid happiness._   
  
_But he won't tell you that blue is laced into his mother's eyes. That the first gift she ever gave her daughters lay in the clear blue shining in their eyes. He won't tell you that he's spent years wishing for the crystal blue eyes he wasn't given. Instead, he fell into green._   
  
_Timothy James Kippen's least favorite color is green. He'll never tell you why, but he knows it's because the very green he holds in his eyes was a gift from the one person he's never wanted a gift from. The one gift he could never return, etched permanently into his eyes._   
  
_TJ is woven out of threads made of midnight walks in the dark, 11:11 wishes, movie ticket stubs, and the few pages precious enough to have been torn from the spines of their journals. He is shelves upon shelves of books, all adorned with notes in black ink along the margins, and countless weathered atlases and world maps, each marked with places he wants to go, things he wants to see, people he wants to meet._   
  
_He is warm, gentle, blue cotton. But he's been dyed green. The dye has stiffened him, tangled the threads that weave through him. He's slowly washing the green away, softening again. But with time, maybe the dye will fade completely. Maybe he'll be warm and kind and loving again. Maybe he'll be blue again. But for now, he's settled for teal._   
  
_TJ pulls petals from the centers of daisies and daffodils, watches them fall to the ground as his fears fall away too. He makes wishes on dandelions, blows the white fuzz away without thinking. He watches stars fall from the sky, wishes he could hold one in his hand, no matter the consequences the occurrence would hold._   
  
_He climbs through windows at midnight, falls in love with caution, not fear, and kisses like his life depends on it. Though, then again, maybe he believes that, maybe he genuinely understands the way a single kiss can change the way the world spins on its very axis._   
  
_Every time he breaks, he is the one to stitch himself back together. He picks himself back up every time he falls, every time he falls over a shoelace. He's never needed to fall into anyone's arms; has always held himself up._   
  
_TJ sings under his breath, wastes time lost in the pages of a favorite novel, and falls asleep late at night. He watches the sun as it sets over the horizon, traces constellations with his eyes, and searches for Mercury in the night sky. He reads the same pages over and over again, tracing over the paper beneath his fingers as he watches worlds form around him._   
  
_Falling in love with TJ Kippen is like letting your feet slip from underneath you, and trusting he'll be there to catch you. Trusting he'll wrap you in his arms and tell you that everything is okay. TJ is always there to catch you, will always remind you that everything is going to be okay._   
  
_Timothy James Kippen is imperfect and perfect all the same; he is sunshine and moonlight and rain falling in warm, comforting sheets. He is everything wrapped into a perfect bow, complete with lost threads and frayed edges. He is broken, shattered into a thousand pieces._   
  
_I think I'm in love with every piece._

**Author's Note:**

> It's here!! I'll try to post every Thursday but that's subject to change


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